Play is the language of children
No matter where in the world they are, children speak the same language. It doesn’t matter if children can understand the words another uses– as long as they can play they’re speaking the same language. Lighthearted imagination, races, tag, building blocks, and giggles are enough to connect.
However, for kids from hard places who had chaotic, deeply distressing, and highly stressful experiences in their early years, the language of play may not have had a chance to develop. Instead, they have become fluent in the language of hyper-vigilance, anxiety, fear, insecurities, anger, and survival.
Playing might even seem foreign to them rather than second nature as in children with more typical childhood experiences.
Trauma is a thief
Trauma experienced in the early years of a developing child robs them of so much. Traumatic stress interferes with healthy development of their brains, emotions, and bodies, setting them up for a lifetime of predisposed conditions. And to top it off, Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) steal what should be a right for every kid: innocence.
Instead of carefree days of make-believe and innocent play, children coming from a hard past carry the weight of their broken world on their shoulders.
There is hope for healing
There is light even for those coming out of the darkest of places.
Much advancement has been made in the area of brain science, including how trauma affects the brain and how to help it heal.
Dr. Karyn Purvis, along with many other professionals, have discovered that a loving and safe environment and solid connections with a stable adult can work wonders for helping a child heal from trauma regardless of past experiences.
Establish connection through play
One of the simplest ways (though not always easy for adults) to establish connection with a child is by speaking their language: play!
Playfulness breaks down barriers and brings adults down to the level of the child– this can immediately make kiddos feel safer. This can significantly help build a foundation of trust and security and will ultimately help connection to occur.
Keep in mind that in many cases, a child might not know how to play because that specific development might have been robbed by their difficult experiences. In that case, you will need to be their model as you provide many opportunities for lighthearted play.
Intentional Play
It can be difficult for adults to be intentional about playing. Keeping daily needs met and running to doctor and therapy appointments often takes priority. But if we can understand the immense benefit of playing with our children, we should be intentional about making it happen as often as possible. Play should be high on our list of ways to help our children heal.
It doesn’t have to be as intimidating as we make it. Play should be fun for both the parent and the child for an authentic connection to happen– kids catch on pretty quickly if the adults are just going through the motions to appease them.
Don’t know where to start?
- Simply think back to when you were a kid and remember what you liked to do. Begin there.
- As you begin to play, observe your child and see how they like to play. Let them take the lead and mirror what they do.
- Make playfulness a way of life. Even the mundane tasks of everyday life can become an opportunity to connect when turned into a game. Sing songs together as you fold laundry, do the dishes, or dust. Or turn chores into a game of Simon Says. A simple walk can become a game of Follow the Leader.
Use play to teach appropriate behavior
Using puppets or dressing up in costumes to “become someone else” is a non-threatening way to help children learn appropriate behaviors. Roleplaying through play becomes an opportunity to model correct responses for specific situations. For example, with your guidance, they can practice helping their puppet or stuffed animal sit appropriately in church or how to behave when meeting someone new. Anxiety-producing events such as a dentist or doctor’s appointments can be explored in this manner as well. Take turns letting your child take the role of the parent and child so you can model appropriate behaviors for each. The key is to keep it lighthearted!
Playful Healing
When a child is playing their whole being becomes more relaxed. Pay attention to the language they use and the scenarios they create as they’re playing. Chances are good that some of what they’re feeling will come out when they’re in a relaxed state. Sometimes past experiences will surface and they may reenact things from their past. If you are attuned to what is going on this will be a great opportunity to help them make sense of their past traumas. Healing can happen by finally bringing resolution–even through a stuffed animal or puppet!
And by being intentional to practice appropriate behaviors in play, new, healthy neural pathways will begin to form.
Take it further
Play should be a daily part of connecting with our children– whether or not they have traumatic pasts. When we can remember that play is every bit as beneficial as counseling or therapy, it becomes easier to intentionally plan it into our routines. Happy playing!
For a more formal approach and detailed explanation read:
Play Therapy: How it Helps Children Feel Better and Improve Behavior
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