When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive. –Nelson Mandela

Parenting children from hard places is difficult for many reasons, but one of the most challenging parts is living with the behaviors, wounds, and pain in our children that are a result of the abuse of someone else. We live in the aftermath and it isn’t pretty. The wounds our children bear break our hearts. We see how trauma has changed them. Children who have been abused (physically, sexually, emotionally) are robbed of so much. Innocence, joy, peace, safety, trust, care-free days–things that should go hand-in-hand with childhood are replaced with anxiety, anger, fear, and broken trust.

Observing and living with this damage is hard! It seems so unfair that these precious ones suffer at no fault of their own. If we aren’t careful, we can harbor anger, resentment, and unforgiveness toward those who inflicted the pain, and we probably feel it’s justified.

But here’s the thing…unforgiveness can cause even more damage than abuse.¹

Unforgiveness has been linked to mental health symptoms like depression, anger, paranoid personality disorder, suicidal tendencies, and more. Physical health issues such as Chronic Stress Response, high blood pressure, and any number of illnesses large and small have also been attributed to unforgiveness.²

Unforgiveness is poison, affecting spiritual, physical, and mental health.³

Therefore, forgiveness is a critical key to experiencing true healing and stopping the septic wounds from festering for a lifetime.

Before we talk about how to forgive and what helping your child forgive might look like, it’s important to distinguish between what forgiveness is and what it is not.

What forgiveness is not

• Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation.
• Forgiving someone does not mean that what was done is ok or right.
• Contrary to the commonly touted phrase “forgive and forget,” forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget.

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.” –Lewis B. Smedes

• Forgiveness is not easy and takes courage.
• Forgiveness is not a feeling.

Forgiveness is a choice to let go of wrongs done to you by another. Choose over and over again to let go until you are free!

What forgiveness is

• Forgiveness is a powerful remedy for healing.
• Forgiveness is a choice to let go of wrongs done to you by another.
• Forgiveness is an act of obedience to God. (Matthew 6:14-15, Mark 11:25, Luke 17:3-4, Ephesians 4:31-32)
• Forgiveness is a process of continuing to choose over and over again to let go of the offense until you are free from the hurt, anger, and bitterness.
• Forgiving spares you from poisoning your soul.
• Forgiveness can close the gaping wounds. There will still be scars, but not the painful open wounds.
• When you are finally able to forgive, you find freedom.

Why forgive?

For many years, I held on to unforgiveness, too afraid to forgive because I thought if I forgave it was saying that all the things that happened to me were ok. I thought forgiveness meant I needed to open myself back up to the people who had hurt me. Sometimes reconciliation can happen once forgiveness occurs, but if repentance and change haven’t taken place in the offender, it isn’t necessary or safe to reconcile. Once I learned the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation, it was easier for me to come to a point of forgiving. I realized forgiveness could set me free from years worth of deep pain. It wasn’t a quick and easy process and I’m still choosing it daily, but through forgiveness, I have found healing and freedom. The same can be true for you and for your wounded children.

Forgiving your child’s abuser

Forgiving those who have hurt us is one thing–forgiving those who have hurt our children can be quite another. Injustices done to children seem to be some of the hardest offenses to forgive. There’s just something so horrendous about wrongs being committed against the most vulnerable of humanity. Sexual abuse and physical abuse leave us reeling–how could someone do that to a child? We want justice. We want the offender to pay for their actions, so we let the anger and unforgiveness simmer.

And then there’s the damage from emotional abuse, neglect, and rejection. Perhaps we don’t feel as outraged by these forms of abuse, but the damage our children suffer because of them is just as significant. Our resentment and unforgiveness will only grow if we don’t intentionally choose to forgive. We may believe we are justified in our feelings, but it’s important to recognize that unforgiveness and bitterness do nothing to bring justice. They only imprison and poison us.

The good news is we do not need to rely on our own feelings and ability to forgive.

If you know the Lord, he will give you the ability to forgive the seemingly unforgivable.

(Are you wondering what “knowing the Lord” is all about? I encourage you to find out more here.)

Letting go and letting God

In Hebrews 10:30 we see that vengeance belongs to the Lord (not us).

For we know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay…”

Isaiah 49:25 shows us that it is not our battle but his:

“I will contend with those who contend with you, and your children I will save.”

When we finally understand that to let go and let God relieves us of a burden that isn’t ours to carry, we can open our clenched hands to surrender our hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness, and find peace. When we finally “release” the offender to God, there is freedom. God will fight for our children. He will hold each one of us accountable for our own choices, including those who have wounded our children. Each one of us has done things requiring forgiveness. If we expect to be forgiven, we need to be willing to forgive. (Matthew 6:14-15) No, it isn’t easy, but it is worth it.

Helping your child forgive

We cannot force another to forgive. It may take a long time for your child to come to the point of understanding the wrongs committed against them and how forgiveness can help set them free from the pain that holds them captive. We cannot force them, but we can lead by example. We can keep talking with them about forgiveness and its immense benefits. Remember to assure your children that what happened to them was not their fault, but by holding on to unforgiveness they may be allowing those ‘bad things’ to keep hurting them. Above all, pray for them to have the ability and heart to forgive, and provide a safe place for them to process and ask questions. There is so much more that can be learned about this topic…keep learning together!

To learn more, I invite you to read the following:

References and further reading:

1. The Deadly Consequences of Unforgiveness.
2. The Negative Effects of Unforgiveness on Mental Health
3. The Poison of Unforgiveness
4. The Difference Between Forgiveness and Reconciliation
5. Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation–Psychology Today
6. Is Forgiveness Possible When it Involves Child Abuse?

I’m standing with you, praying for you and your children to find freedom through the power of forgiveness!

♥Lindsey