How to Overcome a Victim Mentality

Most people have been a victim at some point– some to greater degrees than others, but most of us have fallen prey to victimization simply because we live in a fallen world. Each one of us will experience our fair share of hurts, bad experiences, and even traumas. Life happens–everyone will experience both good and bad things in life.

Some people have endured horrendous tragedies or horrific abuse, yet they go on to heal from their trauma and live lives of incredible purpose–they have overcome. Others, who may have experienced similar or even less traumatic events seem to get stuck in that moment of pain and though they may heal to some extent, never move on in a healthy way. Instead, they take on a Victim Mentality–a dangerous mindset that can have a paralyzing effect. Rather than healing and subsequently growing from their difficulties, they allow themselves to believe that the future only holds more pain, difficulties, and bad experiences. Additionally, they tend to dwell on their negative and “unfair” experiences, which only strengthens the impact of those moments. The more a person focuses on the pain, the more power it holds. People who are stuck in these patterns of feeling sorry for themselves take on the identity of “victim” and have a difficult time finding the freedom to enjoy life.

Victimization is real

To be clear, there are real victims and situations which victimize. Sadly, people do horrendous things to others, horrific accidents happen, and sickness and disease ravage. There are myriad ways people are victimized and many experiences from which they need to heal. So before moving on, let me just say, for all the things that have wounded you, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have been broken. I’m sorry that life has not turned out the way you had hoped. But, friend, please don’t stay stuck in this place and let those experiences win. If you have been a victim, put it in its proper place as a difficult (or downright evil!) experience, but please, don’t take on the identity of a victim. Your pain does not need to define you.

If you suspect you have taken on a victim mentality but aren’t sure, here are a few indicators:

Examples of the Victim Mentality

• A victim thinks they don’t have any control of the direction of their life and feel powerless and give up taking responsibility for moving forward.
• A victim is accustomed to feeling self-pity and regularly looks for somewhere to place blame.
• A victim often exhibits misplaced anger toward family and friends and may claim “no one understands!”
• A person trapped in victimhood may have thoughts like, “I won’t ever heal from that experience! It’s pointless to try…life wasn’t supposed to turn out like this…why me?…I never get a break.”
• Often, a victim feels life should always be great, and if it’s not, then they believe they are being treated unfairly.
• The victim mentality consistently dwells on the past, or on the “unfair” circumstances

Reasons some people adopt the Victim Mentality

There is some perceived value/reward for taking on the mentality of the victim which can keep some people in its bondage.

• Attention. Often, people with a victim mentality tend to talk about their problems excessively. Depending on the person, some may only talk about them with their family and friends, while others share their woes with anyone who will listen. In general, the listener will commiserate, express sympathy, and give caring attention to someone sharing their pain. This is not necessarily a bad thing, and there is certainly a healthy time and place for it, but sometimes, people get used to the attention they get because of their pain, and letting go of the victim mentality would also mean letting go of the attention, so they choose to remain the victim. 
• Not having to take responsibility, or do the hard work of moving forward. It does take work and intentionality to move beyond adverse experiences and the victim mentality, and for some, it is easier to wallow in the past than to do the work of moving forward. The only way out is through, and sometimes the messy middle can be painful.

Satan’s Role in Keeping You Stuck as a Victim

There is a spiritual side to being in bondage to the victim mentality. Satan is out to kill, steal, and destroy. His ultimate goal is to keep us separated from God, and if he can keep us hopeless, believing there is never anything better in our future, he has the power to keep us from a redemptive relationship with God. He uses deception, whispering lies to our wounded souls: Remember what they did to you? It’s hopeless…there is no future for you…it’s so unfair, isn’t it? Why would God let that happen?

When we believe his lies, we partner with a Spirit of Victimization and invite the mentality to become our identity. Additionally, Satan loves to convince us that all our problems are because God doesn’t care, and in true victim mentality, deceives us into blaming God for our problems, instead of turning to him for healing and freedom. 

How to go from a Victim Mentality to Victor Mentality

No matter what you have endured, you do not need to allow “Victim” to be your identity. You do not have to live with the victim mentality– you can become a victor instead:

• Recognize that you may have been believing lies and taken on the identity of the victim (we all do from time to time), then make the intentional decision to renew your mind in this area. Begin by asking God to heal your heart and break off the binding power of a victim mentality.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2

• Take responsibility for your life and stop partnering with the lies. No, you may not have chosen the trials you have endured, but no one else can take responsibility for you to move forward. You have a choice: stay stuck or overcome.
• Take time to grieve, then let go. It is absolutely okay and normal to feel hurt, used, abused, neglected, or betrayed, but it is not beneficial to stay stuck in those feelings.
• Don’t assume everyone else in the world is going to mistreat you because someone else has. (But also, don’t allow further abuse into your life simply because it’s familiar.)
• Let go of the need to place blame. Blame is pointless and unfruitful. Instead, learn to accept that sometimes life is just plain hard, and focus on shifting your reactions and feelings, and work towards the knowledge that you can overcome and move forward in life.
• Perspective shift–we can’t change what happened, but we can change how we respond, and that makes all the difference. 
  • A simple place to begin shifting your perspective is through The Practice of Gratitude. Stop dwelling on the bad and go on a treasure hunt for all the good things that are in your life. Gratitude is a powerful tool. Simple, yet profoundly impactful, the discipline of expressing gratitude has the power to change your perspective and shift your life.
  • The practice of gratitude is a choice to look for the gifts present in your life no matter how bright or bleak life may feel at this moment. Keeping a simple record of your gratitude is a transformational routine to help you become more aware of the goodness in your everyday life. Practicing a daily rhythm of thankfulness will train your brain to see the positive even on the most difficult days. In a surprisingly short amount of time, if the habit is maintained, the victim mentality will begin to lose its appeal.

“In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18

• Cease complaining. Eliminating complaining will do wonders for concentrating on being thankful, but it will also protect your brain from negative effects: Neuroscientists have stated that complaining actually causes a physical change to the brain that would be categorized as brain damage! 

• Forgiveness: Of Self, Others, and God 

Forgiveness is an essential tool for overcoming the victim mentality. Harboring bitterness and unforgiveness only strengthens the traumatic impact and holds you captive to the victim mentality.

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Catherine Ponder  (Source)

“But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Matthew 6:15

See: The Importance of Forgiveness in Healing Trauma

• Find the purpose in your pain. Each and every one of us has experienced pain–differing levels, of course–and we all will likely go through more before we leave this earth. It is simply a part of living in our broken world. However, when we can learn to find some greater purpose from our adverse experiences, we become stronger. 

See: The Surprising Benefit of Fiery Trials

• Adopt a growth mindset: i.e. What can I learn from what happened, how can I apply it to my life now, how can I help others because of it?

A common struggle for people when faced with suffering, is rejecting the one who can heal and set them free. It has been said that the question of why God would allow suffering in the world is the Achilles Heel of Christianity. Many people question why God would allow them to go through such horrible experiences and keep Him at arm’s length, never experiencing the freedom found in Him. Many theologians have tackled this question, and much debate surrounds the topic— Why does a good God allow pain, suffering, and evil? Some of the conversations explore God’s sovereignty as an explanation–that His ways are above ours, He has created both the light and the darkness, and although we don’t understand the reason for suffering, He does. 

“All things work together for good and are called according to His purposes.”  Romans 8:28

 “Somehow, within the context of eternity, God will use suffering for His purposes, and we can trust Him to do so.”- Nik Ripken, The Insanity of Obedience

I don’t pretend to be as smart as the theologians and philosophers already broaching this subject, but I have lived through enough pain of my own to gain some perspective. I have experienced sexual, emotional, mental, and physical abuse. Therefore, I intimately know what it is to be victimized, and also understand what it is like to parent children who have been also. I have many reasons to live with a victim mentality—I was a real victim for many years, and I did live with a victim mentality for quite some time—until Christ set me free. Instead of continually pondering why God let all of these things happen, I had to come to the point of accepting that I may never understand why some of the bad things happened.

Instead, I chose to become like a little child and have faith that my Father knows, sees it all, and has a far greater plan for my good, His glory, and eternal impact than anything my finite mind can comprehend.

Jesus says that unless we become like a little child we can not enter the kingdom of God (Matthew 18:3), but once we do, the Kingdom opens up to us here and now. Simple, childlike faith and complete trust that we have a good Father will do far more to chase away the victim mentality than anything else. 

 It’s been a long journey of healing, but with God’s help, I have overcome the victim mentality, and I believe you can, too. With His help, you are more than equipped to overcome the victim mentality and live as a victor in Christ!

I believe that God can and will redeem even the hardest experiences of our lives if we let him. Every trauma in our past, every failure, and painful memory can be transformed for our good and for his glory when we let Jesus redeem our story–because nothing is wasted in the Kingdom of God.