Parenting is a gift.
Children are a blessing, no matter how they come to us, be it through foster care, adoption, or from our own bodies.
Parenting is also challenging.
Sometimes our children have bad days. Sometimes they have trauma tailspins that make for horrible days.
Sometimes we have bad days, too.
Sometimes, we get angry. Every parent has times when they get angry–parents are only human, after all.
But, sometimes, we let anger get the best of us and we become stuck in the destructive emotion, and suddenly…we have become The Angry Parent.
If you’re struggling with anger in your parenting, you are not alone, but you don’t have to remain a captive to its damaging power.
There are redemptive solutions for your anger–peace in the midst of the storm is possible. You can become the calm and loving parent you desire to be!
Tips for how to stop being an angry parent
- Understand that anger is a normal human emotion, but it’s what we do with it that matters.
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.
Ephesians 4:26, ESV
First of all, don’t beat yourself up for feeling angry toward your children once in a while. Somehow, our kids know exactly what to do to push our buttons and bring out our anger. It is not wrong to get angry, however, it is wrong to act out inappropriately in our anger. In fact, it is a sin to let our anger get the best of us and overflow to those around us. Having this understanding should motivate us to get control of this detrimental emotion.
2. Track your triggers
Okay, so we know it is wrong to act out in our anger, but do we know when we are most likely to become triggered? Before taking steps to control anger as a parent, it is helpful to track the instances when you find yourself losing your cool. Identifying typical patterns can be a useful tool for developing a plan to stop being an angry parent. Take a week or so to be intentional about noticing each time you feel angry and briefly record it. You can simply use a notebook, or download this Trigger Tacker to help you:
3. Get perspective on your triggers and underlying emotions
Once you have collected your “data,” you can use the information to help you determine your vulnerable times and situations, and develop a plan to head off your anger before it gets out of control. Using your completed trigger tracker, look for patterns.
Do you often lose your temper around the same time every day?
Do you fly off the handle when your kid does that one thing you simply cannot stand?
Do you have a hard time controlling your temper if you are overtired or hungry?
If you can begin to identify a pattern to your anger, you can more easily recognize the source. It is important to examine the underlying reason for your anger in order to address the root and make steps toward eliminating trigger responses. There is almost always something more behind our anger or upset. Anger is typically considered a secondary emotion, meaning we react with anger instead of with a different emotion that makes us feel more vulnerable–fear or embarrassment for example.
Now, using your list, try out the following suggestions of common underlying emotions to help you determine what you might have been feeling underneath your anger that led to an escalated reaction.
I felt:
- misunderstood
- overwhelmed
- controlled
- ignored
- trapped
- manipulated
- unsafe
- deceived
- unheard
- embarrassed
- blamed
- helpless
- unloved
- stuck
- lonely
- a lack of affection
- disrespected
- frustrated
- disconnected
- like the bad guy
- forgotten
- like it was unfair
- like I couldn’t speak up
4. Develop a plan to regulate yourself and tame that anger
Once you know your key anger triggers, and what might be lurking underneath, it’s time to develop a plan to catch it before you explode. If you filled out the trigger tracker, you should have noted how you felt during angry episodes. Those bodily reactions (tightened jaw, etc.) are your clues that regulation needs to happen ASAP.
Some strategies to implement in your plan for overcoming anger:
- Deep breathing. As soon as you notice signs of anger, stop and breathe. In and out in long, controlled breaths. It may sound simple but is a very effective practice. Not only will it help calm you, but chances are, your children will catch on and try it out, too.
- Nourish your body. This is one regulation strategy that may take some proactive work to ensure you are properly hydrated, well-rested, and eating healthy foods to avoid blood sugar crashes that can make it easier for anger to take over. Not getting enough sleep seems to be the standard in certain seasons of parenting, and it may be difficult to change this, but if being over tired is a common cause for you losing your cool, you may want to consider reaching out for help from a trusted friend or family member so you can catch up once in a while.
- Nourish your emotions. Sometimes all we need to keep anger at bay is to find little ways throughout our days to inject moments of joy: a phone call with a friend, a laugh over something silly, five minutes of connection with your spouse, twenty minutes with a good book and a cup of tea, counting gifts, etc.
- Nourish your soul. Setting aside time for soul care is a deeply effective strategy for stopping anger before it begins. Feeding our souls nourishing scriptures and meditating on God’s Word every day helps change our hearts, and as a result, our actions. If you’re unsure where to start, consider listening to this episode from Risen Motherhood: Truths for the Mom Who Feels Angry. It’s mostly scripture and deeply edifying.
- Nourish your mental health. Often, a plan and practicing self-regulation are enough to help tame the anger, but sometimes, the underlying issues are more deeply rooted than we can deal with on our own. When this is the case, working with a qualified professional could be the best strategy. There is no shame in investing in your mental health, and a good therapist can help you work through more chronic anger issues.
5. Embrace your role as a parent in this season
For some parents, especially moms, anger has become a default emotion because they have not fully embraced parenting as a highly valuable calling/assignment. If we’re not careful, it can be easy to start seeing parenting our kids as an inconvenience, prohibiting us from “more important” work, instead of the most impactful role we can have.
Related: Mothers, Are we Sacrificing our Children on the Altar of Purpose?
6. Find accountability
All too often, when parents struggle with anger, shame makes them hide it rather than reach out for help. Every parent has experienced anger toward their children, and reaching out to another empathetic parent, or trusted professional may be one of the best strategies for overcoming anger. Once we are open and honest about our struggles, it begins to lose some of its power. When we invite another to check in and help hold us accountable for working on not being an angry parent, we are more likely to hold ourselves accountable as well. All of the previously mentioned strategies become easier to implement when we have consistent accountability in place. (Working with a coach is a great way to find both confidentiality and accountability).
7. Consider if there is more under the surface–for you–or your child
If the strategies for how to stop being an angry parent outlined here are utilized, you should be able to make progress toward becoming the calm and joyful parent you long to be. However, occasionally there are more extreme cases where these things simply won’t work. As mentioned earlier, sometimes the root causes of our anger take professional therapy to overcome, and sometimes–that is the case for our children as well. If a child has undiagnosed and unmanaged ADHD, childhood trauma, or another mental health condition, they may be so dysregulated that they are pushing your buttons all.of.the.time. causing it to be difficult for you to stay regulated. If you suspect this may be the case in your household, finding professional help as soon as possible will benefit everyone.
You CAN stop being an angry parent
As hard as it can be to overcome, anger in our parenting can be conquered! It begins with a deliberate choice to take just one step toward change. Track those triggers, nourish your spirit, mind, and body, get the support and accountability you need, and you will begin to see progress and more peace.
Do have any tips to add to this list? Let me know in the comments! And don’t forget to grab your free Trigger Tracker!