Choosing to Love When Pain is Inevitable

“Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.”

C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Love and pain are unavoidably intertwined.

As humans, we know this in the depths of our being, yet naturally, we try to shield ourselves from the pain while embracing the beauty of love. We all want the good feelings that love can elicit, but no one is excited about the pain. But anyone who has lived for even a short amount of time knows that if you love, you will also experience pain, big and small.

In foster care and adoption, pain is inevitable, so why choose it?

The truth is, whether the children leave or stay, intentionally inviting children from hard places into our homes also means inviting pain. Children are not in need of foster care or adoption unless something really bad has happened.

Something went terribly wrong.

Something broke.

And that terribly wrong something causes deep pain in the children, which will most certainly spill out onto everyone around them.

Love any child from hard places and their broken heart will eventually break yours.

Does this mean we should protect our own hearts and not love these vulnerable children? Is the possibility of getting attached only to have our hearts broken if they have to leave a good enough reason to say no to serving in this way? These are but a few of the questions I’ve been wrestling with in recent days.

My heart hurts.

I cry a lot these days.

There is a huge hole in our lives, and my arms have never felt emptier.

We have unresolved confusion, unhealed wounds, and a whole lot of pain. But we also experienced and gave a whole lot of love. 

My selfish, hurting heart says never again…

However, even with a heart still bleeding, I have to say I would do it again if God asks it of our family. All of this pain is not reason enough to say no to loving and serving when we are called. I don’t know why God asked us to say yes to situations that wouldn’t end in adoption when that was our hope. But I do know that he has his reasons and that when he calls, it is always worth saying yes. It is always better to be faithful and obedient, even if it hurts. Even if the outcome isn’t a fairy-tale ending. 

I can choose pain in order to enter into pain with a child (pain that they did not get to choose) because God is always in the pain with us.

I choose to trust that his plan is always good even if it doesn’t always feel good.

And, I choose to believe that our love made a difference.

Was pain inevitable?

Yes. There was pain from day one. Even had they stayed, the pain was already there.

But so was love and so was God.

Their story isn’t over and neither is ours–it may not have our ideal earthly ending, but I know God is working all things out for our good and for his glory, with a Kingdom plan we cannot even fathom. 

And that makes all the pain, confusion, and tears worthwhile– and even beautiful.