Children of Addiction: We are Warriors

One of my passions is to spread awareness of childhood trauma through the stories and experiences of others. In this post, I’m honored to feature Hannah, an adult child of an addict, as she courageously shares her traumatic childhood experiences as well as the hope and healing she has since found. I pray you find understanding, encouragement, and hope through her story. Welcome, Hannah!

For my entire existence on this Earth, I have known an addict.

It begin when I was born to a man who was addicted to alcohol and drugs and it is continuing with my sister’s ongoing recovery battle.

This is my story.

As a child watching behind the scenes, you don’t ever get a chance to tell your side of the story because breaking the eggshells that are on the verge of breaking just isn’t worth the fight. The endless nights of your parents fighting, the sound of breaking glass and the anger that fills the place that is supposed to be called home is polluted.

Most children’s prayers at night are pure and innocent. Mine were prayers for the yelling and anger to stop. To make it through the night. For my dad to just pass out from being drunk. Some nights he didn’t stop and we would leave. I remember on one occasion we slept on floats at my mom’s hair salon to escape his drunken rampage. Luckily, I had two safe families that I spent a lot of time with and was able to escape my reality.

I learned to pray and trust God at an early age and looking back I can say that He was always there even on the darkest nights. I discovered what anxiety and depression were before I knew there was a medical term for the feelings I was experiencing. Feelings that often catch up to me when I let my guard down and Satan tries to infiltrate my mind. In addition to these conditions, a shy, passive and timid girl developed.

With my dad, he was up or down, and with those times came broken promises. As a child, you always see the good in someone and even if a promise is broken, you still have hope in a future promise being fulfilled. Eventually, you lose the childlike faith and hope and find yourself with the inability to trust.

I almost feel guilty. Another common symptom of a child with an addicted parent. I would say I was a lucky one. I never doubted my dad loved me. I know he fiercely did and he did the best that he could for us. He never intentionally hurt us. He was acting out of pain and he was a hurt person. I truly believe that the love he had for his family made his addiction that much more painful for him. Just like there were bad times, we had wonderful times and made wonderful memories that I cherish.

At the age of 19, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months later. For 6 months out of 19 years, I truly had him as my dad. I listened to him bravely ask me to forgive him for being the dad he was and I deserved so much better in life and with a returned childlike faith I was able to graciously say “Yes, I forgive you. It’s okay”.

His pain was gone and he was free from his addictions but I was left with my pain and the girl that was created a long time ago. The anxious, depressed, shy, passive, and timid girl trying to hold everything together for everyone else even though my life had truly begun to fall apart.

Where was God?

How can I truly forgive the man that created this girl and left me in this state? At this point in my life, I ran from God. I decided that if God was not going to allow my dad to live a sober life with me, then I was done because what girl doesn’t deserve an earthly dad?

Even in my anger, God didn’t leave. He stayed with me in my darkest moments. He allowed me to sulk and fill my broken heart with everything but Him. I eventually came back home when I had reached my lowest. He began to heal the broken pieces of my heart and He renewed my relationship with Him. It was then I truly accepted my past and I realized that my dad was the absolute best he could be. It wasn’t me that caused the addiction but his own addiction that he struggled with daily.

As I look back thirty years later, I realize that my parents, my childhood and my past were perfectly planned by the hands of God. I would not change anything because my family and my experience living and loving an addict shaped me into who I am today.

I am right where God needs me for His ultimate glory and if it took my painful childhood and the years of my adult life to bring glory to Jesus then I will thank Him for the opportunity to be a part of the purpose.

Even writing this has triggered emotions that I thought would not come back up, but I have to remember that I am a survivor. Every day when someone talks too loud, slams a door too hard (or even a microwave), or if I witness someone yelling, I enter survival mode.

Some days are worse than others but it’s about where you set your mind.

If my mind is set on Jesus, then the triggers are lessened and almost non-existent.

If I am in my own world and not focused on Jesus, then I can expect for the devil to keep me in survival mode. We are constantly fighting to survive but that doesn’t mean there isn’t hope. It means that we are warriors. We are capable of complete empathy and love for others. Forgiveness comes easy. Most importantly, we live by faith and trust in God because we have no other choice when it comes to loving a person with an addiction.

Jesus is constantly working in my life and has brought me to such an amazing place. He has slowly changed the shy, timid, passive, depressed and anxious girl and has revived my life at a pace I can handle. He has been working through my story and He still is.

I am a warrior. I am a fighter. I am fierce. I am loyal. I am a peacemaker. I am a forgiver. I am forgiven. I am loved. I am a believer.

Don’t ever lose hope and always cling to Jesus and your faith. That’s how I survived.

~Hannah B.

Hannah Boyd is a Christian blogger from Atlanta, GA. is a wife to an amazing man and blessed with two amazing little boys. In addition to writing, she enjoys the simple life a Kentucky holler offers, visiting flea markets, crafting, and decorating. You can find her over at Barefoot In A Holler and on Facebook