5 Skills to Master as a Caregiver for Trauma-Exposed Kids

A typical trait of children from hard places is their tendency to radically overreact in any number of situations. An accidental bump from a sibling or friend can send them into a fit of anger. An unexpected change in routine can bring on a meltdown of epic proportions! Loud noises may cause an all-out panic attack.

Many situations both perceived and unknown can send trauma-exposed kids into meltdowns of anger or panic. When caregivers are unprepared, these trauma meltdowns often leave adults baffled! We may even get angry about such extreme reactions because they make little sense to us. And to make it even more confusing, what causes a meltdown one day may not affect the child at all the next!

Trauma meltdowns often leave caregivers feeling helpless and at a loss for how to help kids calm down.

Here are a few foundational skills to learn to help calm a trauma meltdown:

Check Your Own Response First

Unfortunately, it’s all too easy for caregivers to also get worked up when our children are having behavioral or emotional meltdowns. However, as the adults, we need to be very careful not to respond incorrectly when our buttons get pushed so we don’t further escalate the situation. As caregivers, we need to understand how essential it is to be aware of our own reactions and stay in control. Often things will escalate to a crisis level if the person in charge can’t remain calm. Two sticks of dynamite cause more damage than one, and combining our own emotional responses with our children’s will only set us up for disaster. We need to have consistent, non-emotional responses to meltdowns. Our goal should always be to intentionally respond rather than emotionally react.

 

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Bring yourself down to their level.

Instead of standing above your child (which may come across as threatening), crouch down, kneel, or sit to bring yourself down to their level. Try to connect through eye contact unless they are really dysregulated. Bringing yourself down to their level can immediately begin diffusing emotions– for both children and adults. It’s amazing how difficult it is to be worked up when your posture has been brought low to match your child. It’s much easier to be calm when we are in a humbled and connected position, both in posture and in spirit.

Calm Voice

Additionally, a strong, soothing voice will get their attention better than yelling. Loud angry voices and harsh words can worsen or cause a trauma reaction and will do nothing to help children regulate. Kids who have experienced early trauma easily shut down, check out, and aren’t able to process, or even hear what you’re trying to communicate. They constantly live on the verge of “fight, flight or freeze“, and a powerful, angry response will send them there immediately. A quiet but firm voice is an important skill to master for interacting with trauma-kiddos.

 

Less is more

Often, as caregivers, we have a tendency to talk and lecture, droning on and on thinking our words will be enough to change our kiddo’s behavior. However, when a trauma-exposed child is in a high anxiety/high alert state, they are simply not able to regulate, therefore “logical” commands and too many words might not even make sense to them. (Charlie Brown’s teacher, anyone? “Wah, wah, wah, wah…”) Short and simple phrases are key in an escalated moment: “I am here. You are safe.” Additionally, modeling deep breathing or another type of calming sensory activity like walking or marching in place will go much farther in calming a meltdown than our words. Childhood trauma expert Dr. Bruce Perry describes it with the following:

Most of us have been taught the best way to regulate behavior is to do something confrontational or punitive. It seems a better approach is simply to say, “Let’s take a walk.” Or suggest something that will be more patterned and consistent that will eventually help them hear us when we start processing with them from a more logical point of view. –Dr. Bruce Perry (Source)

Don’t correct the behavior until the child is calm. Then offer a chance to “redo”.

Only after our children have had a chance to regulate should we begin to address the behaviors which precipitated the meltdown. Because of the changes trauma has caused to the child’s brain, they usually have a deficit in basic life skills. For example, many trauma-exposed kids haven’t developed the ability to stop and think before they say or do something (lack of impulse control). They just do without thinking about the consequences. When this happens, we have the option to swiftly jump in with punishment, escalating a meltdown, or offer them a chance to practice more appropriate behaviors with a “redo” once in a calmer state. The behavior should be discussed, the appropriate replacement behavior practiced and praised, and then move on.

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So, when the inevitable meltdowns hit, be prepared to check your own response first, then bring yourself down to your child’s level and let them know you are there and they are safe in a firm, calm voice. Offer breathing or movement to help them regulate before attempting to address any behaviors. Once your child has calmed, then walk them through a redo. Giving your child a chance to “get it right” will slowly build their confidence and help them make better choices in the future.

These tips, though simple, are great basic foundational skills to master for calming trauma meltdowns. They may not be the cure for every meltdown, but following these tips will help you to not further escalate emotions and hopefully get everyone back to a regulated state more quickly.

What tips do you have for calming trauma meltdowns? I’d love to hear in the comments!

♥ Lindsey